I feel a bit slow in my reactions.
2023 has already passed for several days. On the evening of December 31, 2023, I didn't feel much. I watched the fireworks outside the window and thought they were beautiful and loud, but nothing more.
But today, I logged into a page that I haven't logged into for a long time, and I also read many summaries written by others online. Suddenly, I realized that as I grow older, if I don't actively summarize the past, my memories may become blurry and inaccurate in the future.
Thinking about this, a few days after New Year's Eve, I still decided to reminisce about the past year and look forward to the future.
Abrupt End#
If I have to summarize the past few years in a simple way, I would use the phrase "abrupt end".
I first felt the impact of this phrase back in May 2022. Why do I remember? Because I graduated with a Ph.D. that May. Graduating with a Ph.D. is a rare occasion in many people's lives that should be celebrated, but for me, because I had been in isolation at home for almost 60 days, I didn't have many feelings after completing the nucleic acid test in the morning and defending my thesis in the morning. It was just that moment when I knew that my student life, after experiencing joys and sorrows, had finally come to an abrupt end.
The second time I felt the impact of this phrase was at the end of 2022. With the sudden lifting of epidemic prevention and control policies, although it was also an abrupt end, it didn't have much impact on me. It wasn't until December 2022 and January 2023 that my grandparents passed away one after another that I suddenly realized that life, like everything else, can come to an abrupt end.
My impression of my grandparents is not that they were very good to me overall; when I was young, my impression was that they liked playing cards and mahjong, and because of these boring games, they became irritable, and the result of their irritability was that I would get scolded. When I was in junior high school, my parents were not at home, so I had to go to my grandparents' house for lunch, but it was just a meal, and there was no "intergenerational closeness" or anything like that. Later, during my high school, college, and graduate school years, I either lived on campus or far away from my hometown. We had less contact, and the distance grew, so I felt that those things from the past were no longer important.
My grandfather was a soldier in the Korean War. I have been listening to him tell stories about his battles since I was a child, listening to him talk about how they crossed the Yalu River. From his intermittent descriptions, I knew that he was a secretary by the commander's side on the battlefield, responsible for delivering messages - mainly because he knew how to read. He told me in detail about how the Americans used incendiary bombs to burn down all the trees on a mountain, and how they hid in caves on the mountainside to avoid being affected. He told me about how he risked his life to deliver messages amidst the incendiary bombs. He told me about how the soldiers had poor food and many of them suffered from night blindness. He also told me about how he secretly cooked in the army to fill his stomach.
In 2019, I once thought about recording my grandfather's memories of the past when I had time, and then collecting other descriptions of these historical events from historical records and piles of old papers. But after the outbreak started at the end of 2019, I hurriedly took a high-speed train on the second day of the Lunar New Year in 2020 to avoid being unable to return to school if the town was sealed off. After that, due to the repeated outbreaks and the implementation of quarantine policies, I didn't go back home for the Lunar New Year for the next few years. During this period, my grandfather had a cerebral hemorrhage and was hospitalized. After he was discharged, his cognitive abilities declined and he couldn't speak normally. I no longer had the opportunity to realize my idea of recording history for him on video. The next time I saw my grandfather was in late December 2022 after he passed away, and I felt not only the impermanence of the world and the fragility of life, but also helpless. The idea of recording history on video also came to an abrupt end.
As for my grandmother's past, I know even less about it. I vaguely remember that she asked me to help her find a reservoir in Northeast China on a map. She said it was a reservoir that she and my grandfather had participated in building, and after the reservoir was completed, they had the opportunity to return to their hometown, so they went back together; since then, they never returned to see the people and things related to the construction of that reservoir in Northeast China. I don't know if she often recalls the experience of building the reservoir when she was young, or if she feels the same sense of melancholy as I do. If she knew that once she left Northeast China, she would never have the opportunity to go back, would she have said a proper goodbye to the people and things there?
A month after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother also passed away. After my grandfather's death, I took a week off and stayed at home. At that time, the whole country was in the midst of a positive outbreak, and our whole family became infected with COVID-19 one after another. My grandmother was still in poor health after recovering from a serious illness, and her mental state was greatly affected by my grandfather's death, which made her unable to recover from her illness. When I went home to see her, she couldn't recognize me anymore. My aunt and my aunt took care of her, but everyone around her at that time was a positive patient, so I guess my grandmother must have been positive too, but she was too weak to have a fever.
After staying at home for a week, I left, and before leaving, I specifically went to see my grandmother. She didn't recognize me either, and at that time, I already had a premonition that this might be the last time I would see her. Looking back now, although it was a prophecy, I said a proper goodbye to my grandmother at that time.
In this way, the elders who accompanied me for decades, in the same year I graduated with a Ph.D., left me one after another, and life came to an abrupt end.
Of course, considering the current society, economy, and other aspects, I can also say that the economic growth that has been going on for decades seems to have come to an abrupt end. But there are already many narratives about this on the internet, and my words are of no use. I just hope that in the future, we can all accompany our families and spend the future days calmly, safely, and meaningfully.
These things happened at the beginning of 2023. Perhaps it was destined to be an unhappy year.
The world is bustling, all for profit#
In the past year of 2023, another thing that deeply impressed me was the workplace and human nature.
The world is bustling, all for profit; the world is crowded, all for gain.
I have worked in a startup company founded by university professors. This startup company received millions of dollars in funding shortly after its establishment. Perhaps the professors thought that with money, a career, and pursuits, everyone could unite and move forward together, working together to achieve success. However, things didn't go as planned. Since the day I joined this startup company, there has been constant internal strife. I am not a core member, so I don't understand the reasons behind the conflicts, I can only catch a glimpse through casual conversations during my free time.
Although the startup company had only a few people, everyone wanted to have their own power and their own team, and they didn't want others to interfere with their responsibilities. Therefore, when there was a benefit, everyone rushed to grab it eagerly; when the results were not satisfactory, everyone shrank back and pushed the blame onto each other. As a result, besides making everyone in the company nervous and afraid to say too much, there was no achievement worth boasting about.
The professors who came out to start a business, I later searched online and found that people generally didn't have high expectations for this situation. Through my personal experience, I found that what others said was reliable. The professors had good academic achievements, but they were used to having the final say, not listening to others' opinions, and often using their seniority to suppress others, which made everyone afraid to speak up. Good suggestions were not accepted, and their own impulsive ideas couldn't be realized, leaving everyone in the company sighing and unsure of what to do.
Another occupation that made me think was being a doctor. During my time at that company, I had some collaborations with doctors. I found it difficult to make progress when working with doctors. Many of them just wanted to take money from you and didn't want to do anything else. At the same time, doctors generally had excessive confidence, and any ideas that didn't fit their thinking were considered wrong, which led to innovation becoming a routine process and ideas being tailored to please the doctors.
During this period, I began to think about the occupation of doctors and engineers. I liked miHoYo's slogan "Technological Otaku Changing the World". I felt that human progress was driven not only by science but also by engineering and technology. Although doctors have professional knowledge, they mostly use algorithms developed by engineers and equipment developed by engineers to understand the situation and then make speculations based on their experience, which may not always be correct.
But why do doctors have a higher status than engineers? There are many reasons for this. As someone with an engineering background, I feel helpless about this phenomenon. It seems to imply conclusions like "knowledge is useless" and "technology is useless". So what if you have good technical skills? You will still be oppressed by class and social status.
But I still have some thoughts. Firstly, with the advancement of AI technology, experiences that were difficult to organize in the past may become modelable. Whether it's the experience of doctors or teachers, they can be saved in the form of AI models, reducing the reliance on famous doctors and teachers to some extent. Engineers will also surpass humans with their technological advancements. Secondly, in the long run, human physical limitations greatly restrict the breadth and depth of our minds. Therefore, Musk and many scientists hope that in the future, humans can overcome the limitations of the flesh and achieve mechanization. With the emergence of chatGPT and robot technology, I began to feel that this might be possible. Thirdly, advanced human thoughts are actually expressed through language. The chatGPT model has almost achieved "omniscience" from the perspective of language. If assisted by the "omnipotence" of robots, then the artificial "God" can also be created. If it really reaches that point, I think the occupation of "doctor" will also become an engineer.
Of course, if it really reaches that point, humans as biological beings may truly be surpassed by robots. Even if they are not surpassed, what kind of society will immortal humans build? How can we avoid being enslaved by one immortal person? These are more distant topics.
Outlook#
I have rambled on and my thoughts have become more and more chaotic. In the future, I just hope that I can read more books, write more, and do my own thing seriously.
If I only use my heart as a burden, why should I feel anxious and sad alone? Realize that it is useless to blame the past, and know that what is coming can be pursued. I am lost, but not far from the right path, aware that today is different from yesterday.
I hope that everyone can truly live through 2024, I hope there will be less scheming and plotting in the world, I hope we won't fight and bleed for petty gains, and I hope for peace and economic development in the world.